After the Tears

To be honest, I haven't felt like writing. I haven't felt inspired, I've just felt dull. I don't want to say I am numb to emotions because I feel plenty. I still feel sad, I feel fragile, and I feel unsafe. I'm trying to work on my vocabulary of feelings because too often I turn to "it sucks", my feelings suck, but what does that even mean.

I've been reading a book by Jane Middelton-Moz called "After the tears", it's a book for my course but it's also a book i've found triggering, yet validating. It is a book dedicated to talk about adult children of alcoholics, and those of you who don't know me, both of my parents struggled with alcoholism; my mom has been sober my whole life and my dad stopped drinking when I was sixteen. He only drank once or twice a year but it was for a week straight before we would take him to the hospital to have his stomach pumped, the doctor would say "if you drink one more time Ernie, thats it"... and he would sober up for another year.

I didn't think this had impacted me at all, in fact I grew up a lot of love from both my parents. Yet I look at my relationship and realize there is something in me that finds it almost impossible to stay connected. Don't get me wrong, I am full committed to my relationship, I love him very much! There is something deep in me that always tries to protect myself, or close up.

In the book there is a list of Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics and the list is:

- Fear of Trusthing

- Debilitating Guild

- Loyalty to a fault

- Hyperresponsible of Chronic irresponsibility

- Need to Be Perfect

- Counter dependant/fear of Dependency

- Need to be in Control/ Difficulty with Spontaneity

- Guess at what normal is

- Difficulty hearing positives and difficulty with criticism

- Please or defy others

- Overachievement or underachievement

- Poor self worth or shame

- Compulsive behaviours

- Continual trigger responses

- addictions

- Living in anxiety and fear

- Need to be right

- Denial

- Fear of feelings

- Frequent periods of depression

- Fear of intimacy

- Repetitive Relationship Patterns

- Fear of Incompetence

- Hypersensitive to the needs of others

- Fatalistic Outlook

- Difficult relaxing or having fun

- Discounting and Minimizing pain

- Resiliency Strengths

I was surprised how many categories I fit under; fear of incompetence, difficulty relaxing or having fun, fear of trusting, need to be perfect, etc. The one I was completely mind-blown about was the fear of feeling. I always thought I was able to express my feelings, my parents made it safe for me to do so, and I had a pretty happy childhood. But I don't think they felt safe to share their feelings (maybe later in life but not while I was growing up), and I think this may have transitioned into my current person. Unless I am feeling good, then I typically don't talk about my feelings or emotions, I can cry, but I don't allow myself to have normal feelings of anger. When I am angry, overwhelmed, or disregarded, i shut down. I mentally check-out, I would almost say I dissociate but I am not extreme, I just... forget what happened.

Anyways, I thought I would share this realization of myself. When I started this blog it was started as a way for me to vent, and process my thoughts, and this is what I will continue to do. If someone is actually reading this and are children of alcoholics or addictions please check out After The Tears, I'm not finished it yet but so far its been mind opening. Hopefully it can teach me how to heal myself as well!

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