As Christmas Approaches

To be honest, I'm nervous and scared. Christmas has always been my favourite holiday. The reason behind that is because I've been surrounded by an immense amount of love my whole life. As much as I hate scleroderma, the one and only good thing that came from it was the closeness of my parents and I. We traveled all over North America together, and I knew that know matter where I went and what I did in this life, they were so proud of me. Despite my dad being sick, he never wanted his family to see his pain. He pushed himself to do a lot more then his body wanted... but he did that out of pure love for my mom and I. We now have so many amazing memories that don't just focus on his disease.

Not having my dad in my life has been so painful, sometimes unbearable. The last few months have been a struggle. It seems like the longer he's done, the final everything feels. Death is final, but i've been avoiding the reality of it. I find myself still pretending that he's just at home with my mom... It's easy to do until I reach for the phone and hear a voice say "The cellular number you have called is not assigned..."

I then have to remind myself that he's in a better place. My dad loved his God with all his heart, and I know that he is no longer in pain. It doesn't take away my pain, but it allows me to remember his pain is over.

For the last 5 years (probably more), I've wondered if this would be my last Christmas with both of my parents. Last year I had to work Christmas day, and I was so mad that there was a bad snowstorm that stopped me from making it to Moose Deer Christmas Day. I could hear in his voice that he was disappointed but he was also relieved that wouldn't be driving in whiteout conditions. The following day I made Kyle wake up early, so we could be up North with my parents. It was a nice day. it was even better that he was discharged from the hospital a few days before.

This year I will have to deal with a whole new set of emotions, but I am remaining thankful. Thankful for 31 years of more love then most people get to experience. Thankful that my dad is no longer in pain, and thankful that I have the assurance through Christ that I will one day see him again.